Hot Dorkage

Quick fix eye-candy comic to placate you ….

from xkcd

Ho hummmmmm…… It’s high time I did another post in this sleepy little blog that only eight really cool people read regularly. There are over six billion people in the world, and 1 billion of them have internet. But there aren’t that many really cool people in the world, unfortunately. The other six that aren’t subscribers yet don’t know about me and I don’t know about them. (The number six is a mathematical estimate, based on my statistical analysis of general surfing behaviour courtesy of google.) I have no business writing how to increase your fan base, being how mine is so small. Duh.

That doesn’t stop those other guys. “Increasing your blog readership” is the subject of every other blog for bux article on the internet which is just a rehash or straight plagiarism of other blog for bux articles on the internet and most of those guys are wannabes with only 10 readers and five of them are their drinking buddies and their mom. They’ll talk about this or that, but it’s even simpler. What I’ve found — the unblemished truth: To get a see Angelina Jolie Naked!!!! lot of reads you need to pander to the most base in human nature, pimp it up with tittie pix, and alter your writing style to stuff keywords — which I regard as an insult to freedom. I refuse to do i!t. I will not be bought — hence my small but very awesome fan base. My words are just like they came out of my brain.

And what are the results?

From the looks of things, the “good” posts here only get read by my eight smart and cool fans; yet here and elsewhere, I get oodles and gobs of reads on a post that I threw together in 10 minutes if it has soap opera in it.

Soooooo……. If you’re some slack-jawed drooling twit looking for the tittie pix, tough, I lied. You’ve sorta been dorkrolled, if you will.

And if you’re looking for a tech read, there are a number of good evergreen posts here, and projection analysis show that there is a 99.99% probability that you haven’t read all of them yet; in fact there is a 99.9% probability that you haven’t read any of them yet, and there is a 99% probability that you won’t read any of them now. But just in case……. Might I direct you to the site map, or the search box (Right Sidebar) or the category links. (Left Sidebar, upper) Those things are standard blogvigation controls to help you find what interests you. They are not some weird “unique to this blog” interface that you have to learn before you can find anything here. Yet my actual recorded stats show that 99.99% of visitors ignore them and view only the most recent post, and there is a 84.9% chance that the most recent is not the best one –I guarantee you this one ISN’T!– and that probability increases the more posts the blog accumulates, as long as it stays on track.

Now kick my butt with comments, and maybe I’ll write something good next time. Meanwhile I’m gonna plot visitors to my about page and laugh. Don’t you know that 63.8% of statistics are made up on the spot?

another offering from our friends at xkcd.  Ha!  I wish I could say

“sudo clean your frakkin’ room!” to my offspring! “sudo” is as close to a magic spell as it gets.

I wrote these lyrics to the tune of “I wanna hold your hand” by the Beatles, with all due credit to them. The purpose was to teach a class of bright youngsters how Ethernet networking works at the hardware level. I thought that my hot dorkage readers might enjoy them. It’s all as true now as it ever was. And in case you don’t understand some of the terminology, it’s all broken down for you at the end.

And in case you’re too young to remember the Beatles (even though they keep popping up on oldies stations) Below see a recording of it for you to listen to. Notice that you have to click to play it. I would never inflict it on you.

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Stumblers, readers, friends, and surfers,  I beg your indulgence just this once.  Permit me to take a break  from providing you the high quality dorkage that you’ve come to take for granted and let off a major bitchy rant.   If I don’t do this I’m going to blow a gasket!  What’s causing  my consternation?  Rampant mediocrity!  Basically I am fed up with sucky blogs.  Why do we put up with sucky blogs?  In theory free market Darwinism would cause them to wither away, so I can only venture a guess that there is still a need for education on just what constitutes a sucky blog.   Perhaps you aren’t so confident a blog connoisseur.  If not, please allow an experienced dork to educate you.

How do you know if your blog sucks?  Some clues….
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…and probably other things are wrong with you as well.  Got it from xkcd.

The hacker in me is rearing it’s head. I want to hack something cool. A true hacker hacks for the challenge. The other day I was browsing Google Gadgets and I found a Text-to-Speech gadget from Vozme that touched on a subject that’s dear to my heart. I did some of my best work in the area of Text-to-Speech many years ago. (See the patent post for a good story about that.) Next thing I noticed was that it can generate Spanish. Woohoo. Spanish. That’s my language! What to make it say? Dirty words, of course! That gets people’s attention. So the goal is for this post to blast out a few vulgar expressions carefully selected for their exceptional insult value. In Spanish. And I wanted it to be as user-friendly as possible.

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My plans to post a Geeky Goodness series on Zend Framework have been delayed by….. well, let’s just call it a “situation.” I have no desire to turn this blog into one of those collections of embedded third party videos that is otherwise content free. But once in a while I find one that fits so nicely I just have to blog it. I beg your indulgence. I found this one on AsktheAdmin. He didn’t create it either, but I like his sense of humor.

Note: This clipping is strictly for entertainment purposes, is 100% fictitions and facetious, and has no connection with any news media or individual living or dead bla bla bla…… You can get your own fake clipping like this free from getclippings.com.

he web is my platform; I shall never lack.
She maketh me to surf abundant (though often vapid) content;
She leadeth me to streaming media; she restoreth my cache.
She guideth me in the path of abiding by the TOS for my conscience’s sake.
Yea, though I tread a fine line of legality I will fear no lawsuits for my poverty and my five wits are with me.
Thy large redundant data warehouses and distributed availability comfort me.
Thou preparest a bounty of digital goodies for me in the presence of corporate lawyers.
Thou annointest my blog with widgets; but my hard drive stayeth small.
Surely twitters and readers shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell with Scoble in the house of the rich bloggers forever.

I was just surfing around the startupalooza website for who’s coming to Portland and I ran across the toonlet site. I remember writing a Mr. Potato head stack in Hypercard many years ago and it was a lot of fun. I’d seen others as well, desktop toys for Windoze and Mac, all along the same line. Well, toonlet lets you give them moods and write captions and publish them for posterity, which is a step further. So I got into toonlet and created Calendargeek, an alterego for myself.
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